Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Why Men Don't Express Their Emotions with a Flipside on Sex Addiction

Have You Ever Thought about the Malboro Man Getting Therapy?
Imagine The Malboro Man in Therapy, the imagines just don't compute, does it? The marbolo man would not admit to needing help. The Marbolo man would not express his feeling's. For that manner the marbolo man may not reconize that he needs help. That, in a nutshell, is the problem with convincing men to seek help of any kind, including therapy, according to Jill Berger, PhD, who studies the psychology of masculinity. Traditionally, she says, society demands that men emulate a Marlboro man ideal--tough, independent and unemotional and that’s just not compatible with therapy.
Why Men Don't Seek Help:
In my research I have found many boys, learn from their parents and from other children that they are not supposed to express vulnerability or caring. They learn to suppress their emotional responses--like crying or even sad facial expressions--so much that, by the time they are adults, they are genuinely unaware of their emotions and how to describe them in words.
Men Control Your Anger:
For the extremely hot headed man, the littlest thing could make them fly off the handle. Some even enjoy having a bad temper; it makes them feel more masculine. Uncontrolled anger can even end a marriage or career or may be deadly. Is your anger is out of control? 
Sex Addiction:
For healthy male and female adults, engaging in sexual activity and having sexual desires is as normal as eating, living and breathing. However, when your sexual urges and drive leads to other parts of your life being negatively affected, you may be exhibiting symptoms of sexual addiction.
Sexually Addictive Actions: Just a couple...
1. Do you masturbate while imagining sexual images, viewing explicit materials or remembering people you've seen?
2. Have you ever masturbated to the point of not being sexually interested in you spouse?
3.  Do you attend "adult" theaters or drive-ins?
4.  Do you visit nude (partially or totally) night clubs or strip clubs?
5.  Do you engage in cyber-sex or phone sex?
Diagnosis for A Sex Addict: 
In my studies I agree with many other scholars that sexual addiction is compulsive (OCD) and Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder. Characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry, by repetitive behaviors.
The specific technique used in Behavior Therapy /Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is called exposure and ritual prevention (also known as "exposure and response prevention") or ERP; this involves gradually learning to tolerate the anxiety associated with not performing the ritual behavior. Exposure ritual/response prevention (ERP) has a strong evidence base.
In Closing
As you can see from the information that has been given on the blog these certain behaviors started somewhere and progressed, although some people try to lead a normal life most people will still end up be subdued unless they admit that something is wrong and then seek professional help. Men have to learn to get in tuned with feeling's that have been suppressed for whatever reason and learn to deal in a positive way or else the feelings will come out maybe in a negative way. Men what is the cause Suppression or Expression? Men understand that these two feelings don't go together it has to be one or the other. Think of it this way Awareness Engineering we have a saying that there is more energy held in suppression than in expression. By this it is meant that when we hold back from living life fully, from fulfilling our dreams, and being true to ourselves, we expend much more energy than when we flow with our gifts and desires.
In my research, men are raising men and I found in this younger generation of men they are being taught to suppress their feelings such as "you are a punk if you cry" Why, it is because someone taught you that?
Sex addiction could be another form that men use as a challenge to show they can have detached sex, sex with no emotions and it can be considered a trophy for them and their men's. The fact that they have slept with some many women and never felt anything "it was just sex."  In reality if you feel you need to use this method to feel emotions and or to boost your stamina then it is suggested that you use awareness engineering to evaluate what it is that you are really missing could be you are not in tuned with your emotions and or are you addicted to sex? 

DVWMT's wants to hear from you men & women young or old, please post your comments you can remain anonymous..
PeacePeace Queen Afi
Treatment For Sex Addiction:

12 comments:

  1. The best thing I can do here is speak from experience. Mind you, out of the group of brothers I grew up around (including my step father who practically raised me) I probably came out the most emotional and most willing to express my feelings over the years. I am forty and was born and raised in Washington, D.C. So, I was raised in the crack era when everyone was getting money illegally. Not only was not showing emotions the norm (who sales drugs and is emotional? or expresses emotions other than anger and how much of a thug they claimed to be?) but it was a way of life. From the guys I hung around until I actually came home at night (a place where you SHOULD have been able to show emotions) where my stepfather ain't play that crying or being vulnerable, his response was always "keep it up, I'll give you something to cry about". NOW, let's fast forward to the age of 29-30. I considered myself to be grown then. During the years of me dibbling and dabbling in drug selling while maintaining a full time job, I was considered a ladies’ man. Eventually got my own apartment and sex was easy (especially when you have your own place). Around the age of 28 I met a female who I fell madly in love with. Mind you up until then it was hit it, quit it, never get back with it. And when I tell you she turned my world upside down, well, that's an understatement. To the point where I cried and balled so bad (snot, tears) over my buddie's house he had to walk me around the block AND call my parents because he thought I was having an emotional breakdown. WRONG MOVE. When my parents got there, they joked with me, said I was a sucker, and told me to stop whining. It was funny to them. I told my friend don't EVER call them again if something like that happens. What did I learn in all this? Well, I first learned how emotional of a person I truly was, and I also learned that keeping that stuff bottled inside me does NOTHING but suppress it until it's ready to come out, AND BELIEVE ME, it will EVENTUALLY come out. Another point is the length of time men carry this macho mentality inside of them, and how it is practically expected for them to act like that. If they act any other way it would be unheard of. And to answer the question, men DO express their emotions, trust me I know. I know cats who are serving hard time for murder who were the most emotional dudes on the block. However, it’s when and were they express them. I was close enough to some of these cats where they felt they could express themselves that way in front of me, but it was a rarity. So I don’t think that men DON’T express their feelings, they just don’t do it in front of everyone, because mind you, while all in all, men aren’t suppose to show emotions according to society, if they do eventually show them, there is the fear that someone will use it against them one day. My two cents.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you Brother Henry for your comment and we are so looking foward to your support on this panel...Queen Afi

    ReplyDelete
  3. "What happens in this house STAYS in this house. I dont need the world knowing my business" "Therapy is for crazy people." These are all the misconceptions that are instilled within us as children that come to realization once we become adults. The confusion that started as a child has now raised a man lost without a clue to get help. On January 13th & 14th, our mission will be to shed a light on those untruths instilled in most men & little boys. It’s ok to have emotion, its even better to share that emotion and not leave it bottled up within.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Why don’t black men express their emotions?? As with me, it was not something that was taught in my home. My household was for a while, all females, my mother, grandmother and my sister. There was no man in my early life to teach me the art of expressing my emotions. As life progressed, mother did get married, but he (my stepfather) could not express his emotions, and instilled in both me and my step brother that you JUST DON’T DO THAT. Although I had doubts about his mythology, his house, his rules. Living with this thru adulthood, not being able to express myself destroyed two marriages and made relationships with my kids impossible. At some point, I learned that therapy was not just for crazy people, but something you should do for a mental checkup. While participating on therapy, it was there I learned how to cry and get my feelings out. Going forward in life, having learned the skills to be successful at expressing my emotions, it has not only made personal relationships better, but has transformed my business life as well.

    On the topic of sexual abuse, being taught that you should “score” as much as you can, this was another stumbling block in life. I can honestly say that I paid for sex so often, I am sure I screwed away a mortgage, not a mortgage payment, but enough money to buy a home. For lunch everyone was going out to eat, I was going to Asian Massage Parlors to get laid, and would do this twice or three times a week. After all, what man can’t tell what he is feeling while he is in the mix? Again, it was therapy that allowed me to see this as a fault and then I could begin to make change.

    Having male children, I have begun the process of showing them that it is safe to express your self, and sex is not the way to do it. I am instilling in them that it is ok to be a man and have emotions and to be able to express them.

    Well, I will close with this is just a snippet of the issue that had now be resolved. I am looking forward to sitting on the panel with you brothers and making this a public topic as this is a topic that needs to be brought up and brought out to light.

    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Most men don't express their emotions in a positive way because you can only produce what you have been exposed to. Growing up in era where boys where told don't cry, if someone hit's you hit them back in the latter stages of growth playing sports if you where thirsty you where considered weak in the eyes of the coach and other players. Males have been subjected to being different emotionally and showing sensitivity is not a male strait. We where taught how and when we should share our pain. Most young men I grow up with their fathers drank their courage and demonstrated their manhood by getting physical with the woman they say they loved. If this is the image males are provided and except then males regardless of feelings you will find yourself being a repeat offender of your environment. Males do show their emotions some unfortunately do it through verbal,mental and physical abuse. But there has been a shift in the way males should handle and be taught to embrace each other and then extend this new learn behavior to the other gender. This starts at home and extends to school and to the community. The shaping of a black male was not over night and the shift to a positive emotional,spiritual, physical and mental change will be gradual but with these types of forums it begins effective communications.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Brother Barron,what advice can you give to the women that are raising young men? Queen Afi

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have to answer this question from a space of education. Using two words. The first word being psychosocial which means: Involving aspects of both social and psychological behavior. The second word being manipulation which means: To control or influence. This issue of men not expressing their emotions comes from PSYCHOSOCIAL MANIPULATION. When put together means: aspects of social & psychological control or influence. This trick has been played on all people not just black, however it has had a greater effect of Blacks because of the level of energy put on our people. 1. Because blacks in the eyes of our controllers has been and always will be the strongest threat to westernized culture.

    Journey with me into socialism which means: a theory or system of social organization that advocates the vesting of the ownership and control of the means of production and distribution, of capital, land, etc., in the community as a whole. I'm here to tell you that it starts in the mind. Early settlers into new worlds brought with them during slave times the theory of psychosocial manipulation, where they studied for a very long time (300 years to be exact) the people in the lands that they arrived in to gain the upper hand in order for them to conquer them. It places a person in a space of subliminal existence, which means: existing or operating below the threshold of consciousness; being or employing stimuli insufficiently intense to produce a discrete sensation but often being or designed to be intense enough to influence the mental processes or the behavior of the individual. Stay right there.


    Men not expressing their emotions starts with child birth; when you hear a pregnant mother or expectant father say,” I want a girl or I want a boy.” Why not just want a healthy child? However when the expectant parents put the energy of boy or girl into the universe during pregnancy he/she is not aware that he/she is also holding the psychosocial ideal within that thought. Our ideals around boys especially since this is the subject matter, comes with the imaging of what a boy is supposed to be which has been set by an ideal created years ago (way back in biblical times). This theoretic truth plays out in ways we would never even imagine or even see. Like when the boy child is born he gets a blue blanket...Why? Why not the pink blanket? Then in nursery school the message if furthered through nursery rhymes we've heard. Like the famous the old nursery rhyme that says, "boys are sticks and snails and puppy dog tails; that’s what little boys are made of". This begins the cycle of the emotionless male; then it’s taken even further when the men & women around us (shaped by the same trickery) instill values that confirm this. How many times have we heard women & men say "BOYS DONT CRY or BE STRONG & TAKE IT LIKE A MAN". This society creates even more emotional madness in the male with things like. "IF YOU CRY or COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS YOU'RE WEAK or GAY". Which causes the male child emotional discomfort & confusion when he finds himself in an emotional space. He remembers those old teachings & it makes him an internal time bomb with no way or space to share his inner feelings safely, leaving him to become usually destructive & non aware that his feelings/emotions will express themselves whether or not wanted to. When coupled with those old sayings it give the male the idea that the only way to express emotions is to hold it in or take it out (explode) onto something or someone in a negative way; technically it’s a cry for help.

    Sincerly,



    Tillman

    ReplyDelete
  9. Brother Tillman Continue...This society has been created by WHITE MAN in an effort to control & destroy us by using us as the weapon on ourselves & our own people. In the Willie Lynch letter which I urge everyone to read. Mr. Lynch gives an account of how the slave tactics he created in 1712 could be used. He said," IN MY BAG I HAVE A FULL PROOF METHOD OF CONTROLLING YOUR “BLACK SLAVES”. I GUARANTEE EVERYONE OF YOU IF INSTALLED CORRECTLY, IT WILL CONTROL THE SLAVE FOR AT LEAST 300 YEARS; THE BLACK SLAVE AFTER RECIEVING THIS INDOCTRINATION SHALL CARRY ON & WILL BECOME SELF REFULING & SELF GENERATING FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS MAYBE THOUSANDS." I've often heard people say that the Willie Lynch letter is a myth, however even if it is a myth the presence of it should be enough for our people to make some changes based on it's truth. It holds the key to all that blacks go through today. So with this information paired with our social influences (all created by white man), should break a code in us which can lead us to becoming the healthy human beings God created us to be. Not only does domestic violence wear many tags but Satan does too. Think about it deeply & let the healing begin. I hope I opened some eyes with this post. If you want to have dialogue on this I can be reached at 202-520-2597. It's time for black men to revive ourselves and come back alive that our future generation has a better way than we did. We struggle so that our legacy doesn't have to. A legacy is something left behind to be used to move forward. My question is WHAT ARE YOU LEAVING BEHIND THAT CAN HELP US MOVE FORWARD?

    Sincerly,

    Tillman

    ReplyDelete
  10. Child Birth do we believe that expressing emotions starts at childs birth? or is it bigger then that? what is happening why do we choose to keep our emotions inside as men? Queen Afi

    ReplyDelete
  11. Couls sex addiction be related to men being molested? Studies are showing that men are starting to talk about sexual molestation could this have an adverse effect on a mens sex addiction? Queen Afi

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hello Everyone!

    I will be the host of the two part series titled "Why MEN DONT EXPRESS THEIR EMOTIONS WITH A FLIP SIDE ON SEX ADDICTION" I want to give a Special Thanks to Queen Afi for inviting me!

    Myself and a group friends both young men and young women debate all the time about these issues.I look forward to meeting everyone sounds like there will be a lot of insight given on these topics. See you all Jan. 13th & 14th!

    -Lu Lu was here

    ReplyDelete